he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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