U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
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