How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
