If i come over, it means nothing
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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