I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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