i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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