What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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