I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
