So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
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What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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