Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
