I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
