dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
