can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
