Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
