last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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