My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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