He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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