mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
