you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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