Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
