I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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