Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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