Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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