My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
