I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Terrible idea I love it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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