Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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