What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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