Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
