Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
