He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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