Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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