My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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