just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
