just survived the first fart of the relationship.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
