Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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