I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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