two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
