Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
