Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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