Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
That's intense
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
