as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
