Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
