Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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