If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
