i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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