I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
