When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
