I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
