Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
