If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
sarcasm needs its own font
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
did i just pee glitter
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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