My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
