I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
