I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
