My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
