You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
