i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
