i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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