it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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